Archive | January, 2012

“Any chance I can grab a quick shower?”

6 Jan

When I think about it I have received a lot of absurd calls from a lot of different guys.  It is a wonder I still answer my phone really. At last count I had 7 guys labeled as “Don’t Answer John”, “Don’t Answer Bill”, etc. To be labeled with that moniker it actually takes quite a lot. Below is the description of one of the gents that has a don’t answer before his name.

Another wedding (why do I keep attending this gatherings that seem to force me into close proximity with bozos? Oh that’s right, it is not about the bozo and not about me either. It is about celebrating the promise of love that has succeeded. This time I meet a guy wearing another guy wearing a bow tie. I really need to get out of the south. This one also had a peach seersucker suit on. As you might have already surmised. I am a magnet for male ridiculousness. This guy also talked me into sharing a cab with him. He did this by inviting two of his guy friends with us and suggesting it as transport from the wedding to the reception (seemingly safe because it was early in the evening).  After a brief cab ride I had decided maybe he wasn’t so bad, however remembering my previous experience that resulted in the purchase of exorbitant roughage, I decided to avoid him for the rest of the night. My goal was accomplished and I made it back to my hotel without any evidence of a wannabe barber shop quartet.

For once I had avoided disaster.

A week later Mr. Seersucker calls and asks me on a ridiculous date, the Stanley Cup Final. Spurred on by the continuous claims that I don’t accept enough of the dates that I am asked on and the added incentive of the actual date. What person says no to the Stanley Cup Final? I said yes. We went out and the evening was fun, although there were no fireworks. Our home team won. What a date! When he dropped me off, I deferred the kiss good night. He still assuming his perfect southern gentleman role did not seemed phased by this. Another few days go buy and he called to say that he was in the neighborhood and would love to stop by and maybe we could grab some dinner again. He had been nice enough on the first date and had really pulled out some stops, so despite the lack of attraction, I focused on my mission to prove a lack of pickiness to all who knew me, so I agreed.

Upon his arrival he revealed that he had come directly from the basketball court and was so smelly that not even a whole bottle of Axe could have covered it up. “Can I grab a quick shower?” He asks. This was a little odd, but it made sense at that time. I took him to my shower and handed him a fresh bar of soap like the hostess I had been raised to be. I then went downstairs, as far away from the shower as possible and began reading a dense textbook. About 7 pages and over an hour later, I started to wonder what on earth was going on in my shower. Maybe he had some type of horrible mishap and needed to be checked on? 

As I began having these thoughts my very shy, very traditional and conservative roommate who had recently moved from India came down and politely asked if I could close my bedroom door. Huh?

Up the stairs I went to the landing with a left turn and …………..


In all of his 6’7″ glory there he lay naked as a jaybird on my bed in spread eagle fashion fast asleep, my cat sitting beside him sneering down at him with disgust. I turned and looked at my roommate and she uttered in her proper English, “Your door? I am quite uncomfortable.” You think? What?

After making meaningful eye contact with my angry feline, I decided to poke him in the shoulder from as far away as possible. He awoke and rolled towards me, revealing a very damp down comforter. “Come here baby! Make daddy happy!”

Again… What??

My cheeks flaming, I took a moment to collect my thoughts or maybe more aptly put, have some coherent thoughts. “You need to get dressed.”

“But I took you to the Stanley Cup Final”

“And leave as soon as you do.”

I turned and walked across the hall and went to hide in my roommates room. We even locked it and watched through the closed blinds as he drove away. My roommate had never seen a naked man before and my cat ignored me for the next week. I figure I deserved it for exposing him to such offensive nonsense.

The Player: The after I take you on a really great date I will expect things guy

Take home message: You should never let a guy who you have been in one cab with and on one date with stop by your house to shower. It is likely not an innocent “I just really enjoy the sensation of being clean” thing, but a ploy to seal some type of  deal. It may even have far reaching and permanent repercussions on your relationship with your roommate and your cat.


The road signs of dating: The roadkill that was kissed at midnight

5 Jan

It is always my dream on New Year’s Eve to have a date, someone to kiss. In my fairytale world the guy who takes you on a date on new year’s is a guy that really likes you. right? Unfortunately not necessarily.

When I was spinning my most recent tale of relationship catastrophe to my father last night his response was, “I doubt he wanted to hurt your feelings. Guys don’t want to hurt girls, they just want them on their backs.” Excellent dad. In fairytale world that just can’t be true. In reality I am afraid it might be.

I should have known. The signs were there, but I did it, I decided to go to NYC to escape the doldrums of my current city with the added benefit of seeing the guy I have been dating long distance for now over 8 months.

The Hazard Signs

No passing lane: When I texted him initially that I might come up to the city. His response was not to respond to that, but to talk about something else.

Slippery When wet: When I asked him why he ignored the previously mentioned text he said he didn’t

know what he was doing yet and so far he had no plans and might not do anything. Nothing screams “I am really excited to see you like first getting ignored and then getting noncommittal.”

Mexican family crossing the Highway (one of my favorite all time roadside at the Cali/Mexican border):  We both get a group text from a mutual friend asking us to an evening of splendor and extravagance that I am immediately incredibly uninterested in. He actually texts asking if I am going to do that. When I say I would rather not he says that we can hang out together and he will ask some friends and we can do something more low key.

10% grade (your brakes may fail): He does let me know he is making plans but then doesn’t return my attempts at contacting him the two days before New Year’s Eve. I texted twice in 36 hours asking what our plans were.

Dip: I end up texting on New Year’s Day (when he finally answers the texts from above) asking him if we are going to spend the night together (just so you know I blushed with humiliation as I type this). In my defense, if there is one, I really didn’t want to be the dirty stay out in the cab the next morning. My sage, married sister suggested that I just come home. Who would have thought of that? Not me, the dirty stay out (or as we abbreviated it in college: DSO).  Also you would think after 8 months it would be assumed.

Do Not Enter: He says I have made our relationship “too easy” and “should have played hard to get”. He then asks me if I am sleeping with one of my friends saying he wouldn’t be upset. I would almost rather have had him slap me… twice.

Road worker with a stop sign: When we wake up New Year’s Day he says he wasn’t into our date at first and always prefers hanging out with a large group of friends on NYE but had a good time. “It worked out for the best.”

Red light: New Year’s Day when my flight is changed to the next day also known as my birthday, he says he already has plans to watch bowl games with 3 girls and doesn’t really feel comfortable asking me to come although he has invited everyone he has even had half of a conversation with all day.

So I lived my New Year’s Eve dream. I got kissed on New Year’s at midnight for the 2nd time ever and the first time in over 10 years, and for that 30 seconds it was amazing and I was able to ignore all of the signs and just feel like I was in a movie (like When Harry Met Sally) and I was the star; not a moment I have had very often. And while I was in my land of beautiful and romantic delusion, I loved it. The difficulty then becomes how do you keep one foot in reality while you float in the dream?

The date: New Year’s Eve dinner, rum, a concert, and a New Year’s midnight kiss.

The Boy: I rarely think about anyone or thing other than myself unless it directly affects me. This will result in oversharing, harsh thoughts and ideas and a general dissolution of any warm fuzzes that you are trying to conjure up in your mind.

Stay tuned for: Birthday Bowl


and other awful dating dilemmas.

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