“Any chance I can grab a quick shower?”

6 Jan

When I think about it I have received a lot of absurd calls from a lot of different guys.  It is a wonder I still answer my phone really. At last count I had 7 guys labeled as “Don’t Answer John”, “Don’t Answer Bill”, etc. To be labeled with that moniker it actually takes quite a lot. Below is the description of one of the gents that has a don’t answer before his name.

Another wedding (why do I keep attending this gatherings that seem to force me into close proximity with bozos? Oh that’s right, it is not about the bozo and not about me either. It is about celebrating the promise of love that has succeeded. This time I meet a guy wearing another guy wearing a bow tie. I really need to get out of the south. This one also had a peach seersucker suit on. As you might have already surmised. I am a magnet for male ridiculousness. This guy also talked me into sharing a cab with him. He did this by inviting two of his guy friends with us and suggesting it as transport from the wedding to the reception (seemingly safe because it was early in the evening).  After a brief cab ride I had decided maybe he wasn’t so bad, however remembering my previous experience that resulted in the purchase of exorbitant roughage, I decided to avoid him for the rest of the night. My goal was accomplished and I made it back to my hotel without any evidence of a wannabe barber shop quartet.

For once I had avoided disaster.

A week later Mr. Seersucker calls and asks me on a ridiculous date, the Stanley Cup Final. Spurred on by the continuous claims that I don’t accept enough of the dates that I am asked on and the added incentive of the actual date. What person says no to the Stanley Cup Final? I said yes. We went out and the evening was fun, although there were no fireworks. Our home team won. What a date! When he dropped me off, I deferred the kiss good night. He still assuming his perfect southern gentleman role did not seemed phased by this. Another few days go buy and he called to say that he was in the neighborhood and would love to stop by and maybe we could grab some dinner again. He had been nice enough on the first date and had really pulled out some stops, so despite the lack of attraction, I focused on my mission to prove a lack of pickiness to all who knew me, so I agreed.

Upon his arrival he revealed that he had come directly from the basketball court and was so smelly that not even a whole bottle of Axe could have covered it up. “Can I grab a quick shower?” He asks. This was a little odd, but it made sense at that time. I took him to my shower and handed him a fresh bar of soap like the hostess I had been raised to be. I then went downstairs, as far away from the shower as possible and began reading a dense textbook. About 7 pages and over an hour later, I started to wonder what on earth was going on in my shower. Maybe he had some type of horrible mishap and needed to be checked on? 

As I began having these thoughts my very shy, very traditional and conservative roommate who had recently moved from India came down and politely asked if I could close my bedroom door. Huh?

Up the stairs I went to the landing with a left turn and …………..

WOW!

In all of his 6’7″ glory there he lay naked as a jaybird on my bed in spread eagle fashion fast asleep, my cat sitting beside him sneering down at him with disgust. I turned and looked at my roommate and she uttered in her proper English, “Your door? I am quite uncomfortable.” You think? What?

After making meaningful eye contact with my angry feline, I decided to poke him in the shoulder from as far away as possible. He awoke and rolled towards me, revealing a very damp down comforter. “Come here baby! Make daddy happy!”

Again… What??

My cheeks flaming, I took a moment to collect my thoughts or maybe more aptly put, have some coherent thoughts. “You need to get dressed.”

“But I took you to the Stanley Cup Final”

“And leave as soon as you do.”

I turned and walked across the hall and went to hide in my roommates room. We even locked it and watched through the closed blinds as he drove away. My roommate had never seen a naked man before and my cat ignored me for the next week. I figure I deserved it for exposing him to such offensive nonsense.

The Player: The after I take you on a really great date I will expect things guy

Take home message: You should never let a guy who you have been in one cab with and on one date with stop by your house to shower. It is likely not an innocent “I just really enjoy the sensation of being clean” thing, but a ploy to seal some type of  deal. It may even have far reaching and permanent repercussions on your relationship with your roommate and your cat.

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