Tag Archives: dating

“Any chance I can grab a quick shower?”

6 Jan

When I think about it I have received a lot of absurd calls from a lot of different guys.  It is a wonder I still answer my phone really. At last count I had 7 guys labeled as “Don’t Answer John”, “Don’t Answer Bill”, etc. To be labeled with that moniker it actually takes quite a lot. Below is the description of one of the gents that has a don’t answer before his name.

Another wedding (why do I keep attending this gatherings that seem to force me into close proximity with bozos? Oh that’s right, it is not about the bozo and not about me either. It is about celebrating the promise of love that has succeeded. This time I meet a guy wearing another guy wearing a bow tie. I really need to get out of the south. This one also had a peach seersucker suit on. As you might have already surmised. I am a magnet for male ridiculousness. This guy also talked me into sharing a cab with him. He did this by inviting two of his guy friends with us and suggesting it as transport from the wedding to the reception (seemingly safe because it was early in the evening).  After a brief cab ride I had decided maybe he wasn’t so bad, however remembering my previous experience that resulted in the purchase of exorbitant roughage, I decided to avoid him for the rest of the night. My goal was accomplished and I made it back to my hotel without any evidence of a wannabe barber shop quartet.

For once I had avoided disaster.

A week later Mr. Seersucker calls and asks me on a ridiculous date, the Stanley Cup Final. Spurred on by the continuous claims that I don’t accept enough of the dates that I am asked on and the added incentive of the actual date. What person says no to the Stanley Cup Final? I said yes. We went out and the evening was fun, although there were no fireworks. Our home team won. What a date! When he dropped me off, I deferred the kiss good night. He still assuming his perfect southern gentleman role did not seemed phased by this. Another few days go buy and he called to say that he was in the neighborhood and would love to stop by and maybe we could grab some dinner again. He had been nice enough on the first date and had really pulled out some stops, so despite the lack of attraction, I focused on my mission to prove a lack of pickiness to all who knew me, so I agreed.

Upon his arrival he revealed that he had come directly from the basketball court and was so smelly that not even a whole bottle of Axe could have covered it up. “Can I grab a quick shower?” He asks. This was a little odd, but it made sense at that time. I took him to my shower and handed him a fresh bar of soap like the hostess I had been raised to be. I then went downstairs, as far away from the shower as possible and began reading a dense textbook. About 7 pages and over an hour later, I started to wonder what on earth was going on in my shower. Maybe he had some type of horrible mishap and needed to be checked on? 

As I began having these thoughts my very shy, very traditional and conservative roommate who had recently moved from India came down and politely asked if I could close my bedroom door. Huh?

Up the stairs I went to the landing with a left turn and …………..

WOW!

In all of his 6’7″ glory there he lay naked as a jaybird on my bed in spread eagle fashion fast asleep, my cat sitting beside him sneering down at him with disgust. I turned and looked at my roommate and she uttered in her proper English, “Your door? I am quite uncomfortable.” You think? What?

After making meaningful eye contact with my angry feline, I decided to poke him in the shoulder from as far away as possible. He awoke and rolled towards me, revealing a very damp down comforter. “Come here baby! Make daddy happy!”

Again… What??

My cheeks flaming, I took a moment to collect my thoughts or maybe more aptly put, have some coherent thoughts. “You need to get dressed.”

“But I took you to the Stanley Cup Final”

“And leave as soon as you do.”

I turned and walked across the hall and went to hide in my roommates room. We even locked it and watched through the closed blinds as he drove away. My roommate had never seen a naked man before and my cat ignored me for the next week. I figure I deserved it for exposing him to such offensive nonsense.

The Player: The after I take you on a really great date I will expect things guy

Take home message: You should never let a guy who you have been in one cab with and on one date with stop by your house to shower. It is likely not an innocent “I just really enjoy the sensation of being clean” thing, but a ploy to seal some type of  deal. It may even have far reaching and permanent repercussions on your relationship with your roommate and your cat.

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Ambush Dating with Financial Repercussions

9 Dec

One of my good friends went out on a suboptimal date this evening. She called me at its conclusion fuming. She, as she always does, had offered the to pay for her dinner at the end of their not overly exciting date and for the first time she had someone take her up on it. Before you jump to conclusions and think, “well it is about time someone called her bluff.”  That my friends is not why she was mad. When the waitress came he asked her to split the check, which resulted in her paying for triple the price of her dinner and drinks (i.e. a large percentage of his meal).  The ensuing discussion was one about manners and proper behavior (and could likely be had 20-600 times a second in any given metropolitan area).

This absurd date made me think of the last date where I ended up paying for both mine and my dates food. If you are rolling your eyes, “Why not pay for a date’s meal?” “Isn’t there a feminist movement?” I would like to submit to the jury that this is not about the money. More about the etiquette.

Disclaimer: The following tale unfortunately might not be overly memorable in the land that we currently date in. It probably happens all the time.

The guy in question had asked me to go to dinner with him via a phone call that it turned out he was making just outside my door. I consider myself a polite person with a few rare exceptions when under extreme duress. How does one say no to the guy outside your door who knows that you are home and that you don’t really have other plans? Probably pretty simply, “No!” unless of course you are a people pleaser (thanks mom), then that simple two letter word becomes a virtual impossibility (although the vision of me army crawling towards my bedroom while he peered in my kitchen window trying to find me would not be that far from the truth).

So in short I went out with him due to obligation, not out of love, like, or even lust. Dinner was a mixture of excellent flavors and mind-numbing, IQ lessening conversation (the whole reason, I had balked at the idea of going on another date with this dude in the first place). He insisted on trying a ton of things as he talked about himself ad nauseum. He even was so kind to take me through a play by play of his last 10 gym workouts, which he was pretty sure was giving him his ingrown back hairs that occasionally got infected. Would I maybe pop one of them later? Direct quote (of note dinner became less appealing at that moment and I didn’t eat very much more). To my credit I sat listened and smiled until I could take it no more.

Thinking back I am not sure which bit of rhetoric it was that became the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. Maybe the one about how he was looking for someone else to sue so he could make a quick buck. Or maybe it was continuous quoting of Adam Sandler movies in a baby voice. However, I had my fill of both the food (especially post ingrown hair image) and his ridiculous chatter. So I decided to be honest and I told him that we weren’t really on the same page in life. He apparently translated that as I was even more into him (another problem completely).

I then told him I had to get home to prepare for work the next day. This he seemed to process as it was meant. We asked for the check and upon its arrival he informed me that he had realized on the drive over that he didn’t have his wallet, but it wasn’t it worth his company during this fine evening? At this point I was at Defcon 10, no eye contact with extreme focus on how to get out with all of my faculties. I paid and bolted, realizing in mid-bolt that I was actually headed towards his car. Crap!  (Enter awkward goodbye when I arrive at my house as I dash from his automobile while he tries to grope me).  This guy continued to call and ask me out for the next 3 months. I never went on another date with him and have also likely not regained the brain cells lost during the above evening.

The Player: Call Outside Your Door for a Date That Starts Right Now Guy

The lesson: Sometimes you have to pay out monetarily. This is OK. Dole out the cash. Anything you can do to get away from the nonsense and salvage your self respect is a worthy investment. Learn from the best. You should lie, say you are not home and army crawl to safety. 

The Old Adage Reality

20 Nov

Today I was inspired or more aptly put irritated to the point of blog-age.  So here begins musings about a subject that I doubt there is any possibility of actually understanding: men but more often boys. I have been told for years that I will find someone the moment I stop looking. “Things happen when you least expect it.” blah blah blah blah.Here is the thing. I haven’t looked or expected anything for years. I don’t look because who in their right mind would wade through such nonsense? I don’t expect because I am a reality based kind of gal and expectations or ludicrous set ups for disappointment and more disturbingly disenchantment. So what brings me here today you may or may not be asking? The answer is not really that simple.I have been pseudo-dating this guy for 6 months. If you live in the current dating situation that is the 21st century US of A you realize that means all kinds of things, but it always always means that someone doesn’t want to commit, seal the deal, or (gasp) DTR (define the relationship). We met a mutual friends gathering and got along enough to keep in touch and plan trips to see one another.

Problem number 1: long distance from the get go. He, however, came with glowing reviews from my very good girlfriend and pretty much everyone else. It was perfect, I was definitely not looking or expecting anything at all from anyone. This was how it was supposed to happen. Cue music and listen to it swell as a series of excellently executed romantic dates followed.Staying on task, the gaps are too absurd not to fill in at a later date, he we are 6 months later still 1000 miles apart mostly texting. 

Problem number 2: He changed one day. No explanation. And I am definitely not your typical over analyzing chick (in this specific moment). It went from 100 texts a day and phone calls to silence except once a week maybe.

Problem number 3: I let him return without explanation.

Problem number 4: ME. That’s right I said it. I let the behavior continue albeit with very very creative excuses, however. This is my fault as are some of the up and coming posts I am sure.

So alas we have the straw that broke the camels back and created http://www.whatreallyhappenswhennotlooking.com

A TRUE STORY… 

letmeshowyouapictureofmycats

and other awful dating dilemmas.

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