Tag Archives: manscaping

Pejazzling… because if we can vajazzle…

17 Apr

Ok this is post is dedicated to the height of absurdity when it comes to all living beings.  And prior to entering this particular post I would like to offer the disclaimer that if you have bedazzled an inanimate object or even possibly your finger nails, I have no beef. BUT (and it is a large one, demonstrated by the all caps) there are some things that don’t just need to be accented with crystals.

Pejazzling?????? 


Really?????

So this evening I was perusing the local paper (when I really should have been studying) and I happen upon an article about manscaping. Which, oddly enough, has been an extreme area of interest at work as of late because over the past 5 years we have noticed more and more men who groom down under. So much so that some of the more conservative and distinguished doctors that I work with have begun asking the male patients what made them make the decision and how did they decide exactly what type of low as you go grooming to have done.

As it turns out we noticed what spas like Bliss have decided to capitalize on, men are increasingly more concerned about the lay of the land if you will. I also suspect that the rumor that a good trim in the nether regions can give the illusion of both greater length and girth, might have a tiny bit to do with it.

Bliss introduced the male brazilian calling it the “Ultimate He-Wax” in February 2011 for the amazing bargain of $125 plus tip. Another salon reports up to 70% of their waxing business is now men’s bikini. Other trendy treatments include one spa’s “South of the Border” ($70) or another’s “Boyzillian” ($85).  The New York Times reports that more and more men are taking matters into their own hands and trimming the hedges in the privacy of their own home with Braun’s body cruZer, Phillips Norelco Bodygroom Pro, the Gillette Fusion ProGlide, and we can’t leave off the “Mangroomer Essential Body Shaver”.

Pejazzling, referred to as crystal adornment in decorative patterns (such as dolphins or stars) when newly shorn in the genital area, is a little less mainstream. However, its existence is disturbing to me on two very important levels.

1. We are surely headed for a societal collapse (the Mayans could very well have had this correct all along. tick tick tick…. Of note I also could have told anyone who would have listened to my report in 6th grade world history comparing our current society to the debauchery that led to Roman society’s collapse. Instead my “concerned” teacher penned a letter home to my mother about my disturbing train of thought. If only I could somehow refer her to the pejazzling article maybe she would finally agree)

2. Straight, gay or other who needs crystals bedecking their genitalia? Most people need nothing more than a good scrub and very few get that. How do I know you ask? I check genitals by trade in a purely noncreepy sense. I would like to take this time to make a very important public service announcement: When you come to the Emergency room, CLEAN YOURSELF! and that means your WHOLE self (and includes feet. My diatribe on why water hoses and pedicurists should be the next step after Emergency Room check will have to be another post).

So with my interest peaked, I googled “pejazzling” and “pejazzle” and this is a brief and representative synopsis of what I found (2/3rds where advocating the idea and 1/3rd was skeptical. I find myself firmly seated in the latter):

From the Consumerist: “Men wear diamond watches and bling earrings – this is no different,” Mark Wright, star of The Only Way Is Essex, Britain’s answer to Jersey Shoretold The Daily Mail. “Women don’t necessarily want a rough and ready man. Some prefer a man who’s groomed and takes care of himself.”

Note to the world: There is A HUMUNGOUS difference in rough and ready and bedazzled privates. “Eeek my crystal fell off and my dolphin no longer has a nose!!” seems quite far from the height of attraction. My advice (no matter how unsolicited, FIND A MIDDLE GROUND!)

From Trendhunter:Attention males everywhere: if you have been looking for a way to impress the ladies this summer, look no further, because pejazzling is here! This blinged-out genital adornment has just arrived on the scene after the widely successful vajazzling for women hit the mainstream.”

Widely successful? I missed that. Totally. This might indicate that I live in a very comfortable and cozy burrow from which I am now frightened to venture out of.

From Bugginword (and I must say the most poignant verbiage on the matter and a post from 2011 (yes I am late to the party, but so flabbergasted that I cannot stifle my extremely rambunctious disbelief):

“Speaking of sh#% I can’t make up, the people that brought you vajazzling just introduced a revolutionary new product – The Pejazzle!Oh thank heavens!  Speaking of which, if you’re planning on getting sucked up to those heavens on Saturday fellas, you’re gonna want to get a move on bedazzling your junk.  Time (and glitter) is of the essence.  Righteous ladies like shiny things.The line of Pejazzle jewels work just like the ones they make for the ladies.  You have to wax your bits, then carefully glue on your “decorations.”

You can choose from all sorts of sexy designs – like a pair of red glittery ladies lips.  Which, personally, I would find rather disconcerting and would doubtlessly be distracted by thoughts of double dipping douches like Ahhhnold and Tiger.  Or for you athletic types, they have an iron cross pattern you can slap on your sack for your big Iron Man competitions.  I’m sure THAT won’t chafe at all in a wetsuit.”

Nothing like a man with a Swarovski crystal cross on his junk. 

The only thing that I can take solace in (and I hope I can still say this in a decade), never have I been in the early throws of passion and had to utter the words: “Is something down there sparkling?” nor has Richard Simmons ever popped out of some dude I was dating’s groin.

Ambush Dating with Financial Repercussions

9 Dec

One of my good friends went out on a suboptimal date this evening. She called me at its conclusion fuming. She, as she always does, had offered the to pay for her dinner at the end of their not overly exciting date and for the first time she had someone take her up on it. Before you jump to conclusions and think, “well it is about time someone called her bluff.”  That my friends is not why she was mad. When the waitress came he asked her to split the check, which resulted in her paying for triple the price of her dinner and drinks (i.e. a large percentage of his meal).  The ensuing discussion was one about manners and proper behavior (and could likely be had 20-600 times a second in any given metropolitan area).

This absurd date made me think of the last date where I ended up paying for both mine and my dates food. If you are rolling your eyes, “Why not pay for a date’s meal?” “Isn’t there a feminist movement?” I would like to submit to the jury that this is not about the money. More about the etiquette.

Disclaimer: The following tale unfortunately might not be overly memorable in the land that we currently date in. It probably happens all the time.

The guy in question had asked me to go to dinner with him via a phone call that it turned out he was making just outside my door. I consider myself a polite person with a few rare exceptions when under extreme duress. How does one say no to the guy outside your door who knows that you are home and that you don’t really have other plans? Probably pretty simply, “No!” unless of course you are a people pleaser (thanks mom), then that simple two letter word becomes a virtual impossibility (although the vision of me army crawling towards my bedroom while he peered in my kitchen window trying to find me would not be that far from the truth).

So in short I went out with him due to obligation, not out of love, like, or even lust. Dinner was a mixture of excellent flavors and mind-numbing, IQ lessening conversation (the whole reason, I had balked at the idea of going on another date with this dude in the first place). He insisted on trying a ton of things as he talked about himself ad nauseum. He even was so kind to take me through a play by play of his last 10 gym workouts, which he was pretty sure was giving him his ingrown back hairs that occasionally got infected. Would I maybe pop one of them later? Direct quote (of note dinner became less appealing at that moment and I didn’t eat very much more). To my credit I sat listened and smiled until I could take it no more.

Thinking back I am not sure which bit of rhetoric it was that became the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. Maybe the one about how he was looking for someone else to sue so he could make a quick buck. Or maybe it was continuous quoting of Adam Sandler movies in a baby voice. However, I had my fill of both the food (especially post ingrown hair image) and his ridiculous chatter. So I decided to be honest and I told him that we weren’t really on the same page in life. He apparently translated that as I was even more into him (another problem completely).

I then told him I had to get home to prepare for work the next day. This he seemed to process as it was meant. We asked for the check and upon its arrival he informed me that he had realized on the drive over that he didn’t have his wallet, but it wasn’t it worth his company during this fine evening? At this point I was at Defcon 10, no eye contact with extreme focus on how to get out with all of my faculties. I paid and bolted, realizing in mid-bolt that I was actually headed towards his car. Crap!  (Enter awkward goodbye when I arrive at my house as I dash from his automobile while he tries to grope me).  This guy continued to call and ask me out for the next 3 months. I never went on another date with him and have also likely not regained the brain cells lost during the above evening.

The Player: Call Outside Your Door for a Date That Starts Right Now Guy

The lesson: Sometimes you have to pay out monetarily. This is OK. Dole out the cash. Anything you can do to get away from the nonsense and salvage your self respect is a worthy investment. Learn from the best. You should lie, say you are not home and army crawl to safety. 

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