Tag Archives: love

Your gut doesn’t lie, your guy might…

24 Apr

I think it happens to everyone in some situation (It doesn’t even have to be in matters of love. It can be that guy at the office that says he has no idea why the color printer is out of color, when you know very well if you checked out his desk it would be as fantastically vibrant as a tropical National Geographic Magazine issue…happened). nationalgeo

You might not have the proof, but you just know when something is amiss.

So what do you do? Do you:

hypertension_245a. Be straightforward and risk that always novel concept of adulthood and honesty? (Did your Blood Pressure rise when you read that? Mine did when I typed it.)

b. Skirt around the issue ?(you kind of bring it up, but not really. Its more like a babble, a bubbling brook if you will, where you ask nothing and gain nothing. Picture someone singing tralalalalalala on repeat as you say wishy washy things like “you know that girl that always texts you at 1, 2, and 3 am and asks what you are up to? Yea the same one that returned your belt after Saturday night. I well I just you know because well I mean right?  “Good talk” Ugh!) bubbling stream

slavicfood

It’s especially good when dolls surround it.

c. Ignore it and continue on (Of course it could be the first time in a gazillion that your gut isn’t serving you correctly. Maybe it was that weird Slavic food you ate for lunch? They have food poisoning and parasites in Croatia and Bratislava. It’s just indigestion, He didn’t really just leave with that random blond girl. He was outside waiting for someone else. Although potentially dangerous Slavic is totally the new Thai.).

Ready+To+Run

Pop out of that crotch and go girl go!

d. Ignore it and Run Baby Run (cue Dixie Chicks “Ready to Run”. That guy didn’t deserve to be graced with a conversation. He isn’t worth your time. Clearly they might have disrespected you. Maybe?? Your stomach and most of your small intestine were all in on that decision and what are the chances they could be wrong?? In my opinion not very good, but to be fair it might be nice to have some facts behind all of these assumptions (Both from the person in question and the people in the know.  Not quite ready to talk to your belt-less friend? Enter my ever-growing romance with Google (Bing who?). It is actually pretty interesting stuff).

So on an initial look-see on lies and their detection, most articles start with “Lies are extremely difficult to detect.” Awesome and informative. Wow! Pressing on, what we do know is that most people are supposedly no better at lie detection than chance (so 50/50). However while in a testing situation that is probably true, when it is someone that matters to you that seems like it might not hold up.  Keep reading and BOOM! Validation! “Rely on intuition. People may be better at detecting lies with their intuition. Implicit or broadly unconscious processes can be more effective than conscious directed thought.” (YEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!).

oprahIf that wasn’t enough to set you free you can always rely on Oprah (I vomited in my mouth a little just now and started craving bonbons and a job that allows me to watch Dr. Oz) and go chunking (no no don’t vomit, although if you are the nervous type and your belly is already uneasy because of absurd relationship shenanigans that could definitely be a valid response).

drherbertsimonChunking(from Dr. Herbert Simon): As knowledge accumulates (about a person) you begin to recognize patterns. Your brain unconsciously organizes these patterns into blocks of information. This continues overtime and eventually stores in your long-term memory. So a tiny detail sets off a spark to the larger picture and ALAS!! Intuition! You know you are right. Now what to do?

When your person texts you later that day/night with something happy, light-hearted, etc, you could respond “She’s ugly” or something equally amazing emoji style:

Them: Super excited to see you tomorrow!
You: (Turban guy emoji followed by that new weird not quite smiley faced fanged cat emoji) turbanguy
Nothing says displeasure quite like an ethnically dressed man followed by a cat.
In reality you should probably be honest and not aggressive or sarcastic (Hello fancy social media world still looking for a kitty_emoji-1font that equals sarcasm) and follow my best friends advice:

“Follow your gut.
Say what is on your mind.
You like him.
You don’t want to deal with this player mess he is in.
Does he want to take a shot at being committed with you or not?”
(Period)
If only it was that easy…

Ambush Dating with Financial Repercussions

9 Dec

One of my good friends went out on a suboptimal date this evening. She called me at its conclusion fuming. She, as she always does, had offered the to pay for her dinner at the end of their not overly exciting date and for the first time she had someone take her up on it. Before you jump to conclusions and think, “well it is about time someone called her bluff.”  That my friends is not why she was mad. When the waitress came he asked her to split the check, which resulted in her paying for triple the price of her dinner and drinks (i.e. a large percentage of his meal).  The ensuing discussion was one about manners and proper behavior (and could likely be had 20-600 times a second in any given metropolitan area).

This absurd date made me think of the last date where I ended up paying for both mine and my dates food. If you are rolling your eyes, “Why not pay for a date’s meal?” “Isn’t there a feminist movement?” I would like to submit to the jury that this is not about the money. More about the etiquette.

Disclaimer: The following tale unfortunately might not be overly memorable in the land that we currently date in. It probably happens all the time.

The guy in question had asked me to go to dinner with him via a phone call that it turned out he was making just outside my door. I consider myself a polite person with a few rare exceptions when under extreme duress. How does one say no to the guy outside your door who knows that you are home and that you don’t really have other plans? Probably pretty simply, “No!” unless of course you are a people pleaser (thanks mom), then that simple two letter word becomes a virtual impossibility (although the vision of me army crawling towards my bedroom while he peered in my kitchen window trying to find me would not be that far from the truth).

So in short I went out with him due to obligation, not out of love, like, or even lust. Dinner was a mixture of excellent flavors and mind-numbing, IQ lessening conversation (the whole reason, I had balked at the idea of going on another date with this dude in the first place). He insisted on trying a ton of things as he talked about himself ad nauseum. He even was so kind to take me through a play by play of his last 10 gym workouts, which he was pretty sure was giving him his ingrown back hairs that occasionally got infected. Would I maybe pop one of them later? Direct quote (of note dinner became less appealing at that moment and I didn’t eat very much more). To my credit I sat listened and smiled until I could take it no more.

Thinking back I am not sure which bit of rhetoric it was that became the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. Maybe the one about how he was looking for someone else to sue so he could make a quick buck. Or maybe it was continuous quoting of Adam Sandler movies in a baby voice. However, I had my fill of both the food (especially post ingrown hair image) and his ridiculous chatter. So I decided to be honest and I told him that we weren’t really on the same page in life. He apparently translated that as I was even more into him (another problem completely).

I then told him I had to get home to prepare for work the next day. This he seemed to process as it was meant. We asked for the check and upon its arrival he informed me that he had realized on the drive over that he didn’t have his wallet, but it wasn’t it worth his company during this fine evening? At this point I was at Defcon 10, no eye contact with extreme focus on how to get out with all of my faculties. I paid and bolted, realizing in mid-bolt that I was actually headed towards his car. Crap!  (Enter awkward goodbye when I arrive at my house as I dash from his automobile while he tries to grope me).  This guy continued to call and ask me out for the next 3 months. I never went on another date with him and have also likely not regained the brain cells lost during the above evening.

The Player: Call Outside Your Door for a Date That Starts Right Now Guy

The lesson: Sometimes you have to pay out monetarily. This is OK. Dole out the cash. Anything you can do to get away from the nonsense and salvage your self respect is a worthy investment. Learn from the best. You should lie, say you are not home and army crawl to safety. 

letmeshowyouapictureofmycats

and other awful dating dilemmas.

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